Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
