this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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