I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
