So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
