i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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