we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
