Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Randomize
