gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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