you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
only you would photoshop your dick
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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