Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
