Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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