They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
