I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
