Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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