You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
