god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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