I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
