how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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