I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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