I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
