in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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