if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
