i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize