nut hugger
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i love accidental penises.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
