I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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