So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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