I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
