I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
