the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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