I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
