i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize