Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
not ubering you a puppy
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