I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
