genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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