So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
