can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
