So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
