Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize