I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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