were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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