He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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