nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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