dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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