I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize