Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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