Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
