My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
