imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
When did angry sex become our thing?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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