Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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