Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm too high and old for this...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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