If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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