it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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