Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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