I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
kristin has been a bad kristin
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
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