he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
No stitches, just platelets and will power
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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