I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
