I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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