Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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