I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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