why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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