First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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