we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
