i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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